Some of our favourite limericks, new and old, combined to make our nastiest song
There was a young man from Kent
Whose nob was incredibly bent
To save himself trouble
He bent it quite double
And instead of coming he went
Chorus:
That was a horrible song
Sing us another one,
Just like the other one,
Sing us another one do…
There was a young man from Devizes
Whose balls were of differing sizes
One was so small
It was no ball at all,
But the other was huge and won prizes
Chorus
There was a young man from Brighton
Who said to his girl "you're a tight 'un"
She said "'pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole -
There's plenty of room in the right 'un"
Chorus
There was a young man from St John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans
"Oh no," said the porter,
"Please bugger my daughter,
The swans are reserved for the dons"
Chorus
There was a young woman from Neath
Who circumcised men with her teeth
It wasn't for money,
Or anything funny,
But the cheese that she found underneath
Chorus
From the crypt of the church of St Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles
Said the vicar "good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
Chorus
A homosexual man from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
They sat up half the night
Wond'ring who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom
Chorus
The randy old Bishop from Birmingham
Used to bugger the boys while confirming 'em
When they knelt on a hassock
He'd pull up his cassock
And pump his episcopal sperm in 'em
Chorus
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it."
Chorus
There was a young fellow from leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass
Grew out of his arse
And his balls were covered in weeds
Chorus
A plumber who hailed from Dundee
Was plumbing a girl by the sea
Said the girl 'stop your plumbing
There's somebody coming'
'I know' said the plumber 'it's me'
Chorus
There once was a dirty old monk
Who slept all alone on his bunk
One night he dreamt Venus
Was sucking his elbow
And he woke up all covered in perspiration
Chorus
There was a young man from Cheshunt
Who took a girl out in a punt
The girl was from Merton
Of that I am certain
Because of the size of her bank balance
Chorus
There was a young man from Peru
Who had nothing whatever to do.
So he took out his carrot
And buggered his parrot,
And sent the result to the zoo
Chorus
There was a young man from China
And he wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
And cut off his cock
And now he's got a vagina
Chorus
There was a young man of Bombay,
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay;
But the heat of his prick
Turned it into a brick,
And chafed all his foreskin away.
Chorus
There once was a vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods were exceedingly stable.
One night at full moon,
She sat down with a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.
Chorus
There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his bum as a dahlia.
A penny a smell,
Was all very well,
But tuppence a lick was a failure.
Chorus
There was a young girl from Buglaughton,
Who had one long tit, and one short 'un,
To make up for that,
She had a huge twat,
And could fart like a six-fifty Norton.
Chorus
The armies of Harald Hardrada
Sailed over here in an Armada.
The Saxons killed legions
Of vicious Norwegians
But fighting the Normans proved harder.
Chorus
The amorous Queen Guinevere,
Found that when Arthur was not here,
She wished on a whim,
To service her quim,
So Lancelot obliged with his spear.
Chorus
A girl from Bourton-on-the-Water,
Did something that she shouldn' oughta,
She used to steal knickers
Which belonged to vicars
Until a police woman caught 'er
Chorus
A habit obscene and unsavoury,
Holds the bishop of Boston in slavery.
Amidst hooting and howls,
He deflowers young owls,
Which he keeps in an underground aviary.
Chorus
The was a maid from Aberystwyth,
Took corn to the mill to make grist with.
The miller's son Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
